[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
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I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.