The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion