Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
These aliens are taking forever.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”