Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
You Might Also Like
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.