Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
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All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
This probably isn’t good
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.