My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
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me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I finally found a reason to live again.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news