The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.