If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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Herpes is trending, good job people
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…