*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms