*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
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Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.