This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
what the
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.