10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
next question.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?