The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
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I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!