Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!