The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
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how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.