You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.