New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point