I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
#Caturday
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
#Caturday
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.