Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants