I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My life in a nutshell
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me