My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Breaking news:
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
The Backseat Boys
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.