*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”