I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
That’s classic.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If I ignore life will it go away?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
🤣
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale