[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Generation gap…
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”