Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
How to woo a woman
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?