“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
seems like a niche market
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
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