*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.