Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
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Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two