Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.