[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?