College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
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[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.