Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.