You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“You’d better run, egg!”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
you stereotypes are all alike
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!