[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.