i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you