“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door