Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
work smarter, not harder
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST