Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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We’re all getting idioter.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning