Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.