[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I hope they boil the right one.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best