Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”