*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.