Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
My favorite farside!!
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you