*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
With this onion ring, I thee fed
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.