Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
adding to the discourse
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…