Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]