I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
You Might Also Like
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.