Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL