Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
my proudest tweet
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.