This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
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[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.